I'm back! & ups and downs

I am back to blogging!! With treatment and exams, I just couldn't find the time or the words or even knew what I wanted out of blogging. However, now I am ready to begin and use blogging as a diary of my journey to recovery. It pains me to say that, I really am losing hope after all these years. When will it be my time, the right time? I am now a day patient on an intensive treatment programme (ITP) 5 days a week and it feels like despite this, I have gone back in some respects and forward in others. I am resistant to any food and I am tired if my dad monitoring everything. It feels stupid at 17, but then again if be didn't I would not eat and I would never reach a state of recovery. The day unit is a safe place, but at the same time I hate it. Every meal is a struggle and my anxiety levels are sky high. Also, I have actually lost weight despite being on the 3000 calorie meal plan which is slightly odd so I am actually less now than when I went in. I'm sure they are lying haha. So, I am  also hoping to go on a Geography day study trip on Tuesday but I am doubtful of the unit being keen on that due to this weekend being a bit of a failure..

We shall see.

Keep fighting soldiers 

Bank holiday reflections

Good evening all :)

Today, I thought I'd just write an update, as I have been meaning to this entire weekend.. :||| oops!

This is also the first of a series of posts that's going to be starting.. 'Daily reflections' where I will reflect on the day, update, look for positives (hopefully) and so on..we shall see where it all ends up going! Okay..now I'm actually going to start on my 'bank holiday reflection':

It's the end of the bank holiday and I honestly feel depleted of strength and energy. Almost in the verge of giving up, I feel like I am deceiving everyone. As many of you may have known from previous posts, I am now on the 2500 calorie meal plan..although I haven't exactly been sticking to it. :/ the fact that I actually feel negative about that shows there is a side that wants recovery. I hope this isn't triggering but my daily calories has been nearer 1300 or less and I have been exercising so I really am quite nervous about my appointment on Thursday. But, my dad does think I have been pretty much eating everything on the plan so hopefully they won't get mad and the plan for ITP will commence next Monday..but god knows how I will cold, I just know I have to get this treatment. 

However, I am also going to reflect on the better things that have resulted of this weekend.. I painted my nails (for the billionth time) and they are looking very glitzy :D which makes me happy! I feel like little beauty products really help me get through bad days, so I'm actually thinking of beginning a monthly favorites series too. I also went pottery painting with my older sister as I needed a new bowl to have my breakfast in every morning seeing as I dropped the other one. And she wanted to paint a mug as a gift for someone :) we have been on several occasions but I definitely recommend it, if is such a relaxing experience. 

Anyway look forward to writing my daily reflections for tomorrow, on my feelings recently (:

X

Maudsley, ITP and a failure at recovery

I feel defeated. A week of attempting to eat the 1500 calorie meal plan to restore regular eating (see earlier posts) and i just feel like i cannot eat this for one more day. I can FEEL the fat i tell you, it is disgusting! This has made me wonder..why..why do i feel like this? It seems ridiculous in one respect. Sigh.I feel like every time i try to recover,i fail miserably. This definitely links in with the whole idea that the longer you have the illness, the harder recovery is. It IS me, its getting hard to separate the two minds. I can hardly hold on to or find the distinct voice that screams to be fed. I feel like i can feel my skin more..if that even makes any sense. Urgh i cannot help but feel disgusted after just one week but when my dad hugs me he still fin
I find it funny how i say that with surprise...like much will have changed in a week on 1500 calories for goodness sake, the weight is mainly hydration as stated in the plan. It just does not FEEL LIKE THAT. Okay, actually i cannot wait to start ITP now (intensive treatment programme at the Maudsley..effectively day patient treatment 5 days a week/not weekends) and i cannot wait to get that support from the team and to see other girls who UNDERSTAND. On previous admissions to other in-patient and day patient clinics, the support network of girls has always been incredible. 

I may have mentioned this before, but i am supposed to be starting the 2500 calorie restoring healthy weight meal plan today which i will do a post about if its requested?

However, my dad and i agreed Saturday instead as in the past few days i have been slipping off of the 1500 calories due to the nurses at school not monitoring my eating..quite precisely enough. Clearly, Anorexia is loving that, i get to skip out on a few extra calories.

Sigh, we shall see if i make it through this weekend. I just keep getting thoughts like..oh just start the plan later and then commence on ITP a week after if necessary but i'm not willing to bargain that..they might just say no :( because ill be a negative influence to other girls if i don't show a "want" or "fight" to get better..especially since i've been across the whole board of EDU's and picked up the tricks..i don't think they want those being advertised at meal times to the younger girls. Neither do i.

But do i even want to go on itp yet? ahgr anorexia needs to shut up its like actually doing my head in. 

Keep fighting ed soldiers, we are all in this toghether.
H x

The Exercise Debate

Good morning :)

Today, I thought I would discuss the role of exercise in recovery, the role it has played in my illness and whether it is acceptable to take part in some exercise during recovery. The reason the thought for this post was sparked off was because of my appointment on the Wednesday just gone.. I had stuck roughly..to the "restoring regular eating" meal plan which i have a blog post on. Restoring Regular Eating Meal Plan Click Here.

So , being the ever optimistic teen i am, i tried to bargain my way into being allowed to start running but i knew the chances were slim...the previous week my heart rate had only been 30 and although it had increased due to better nutrition this week, obviously my body is hardly "cured". But honestly i feel like my mind cannot take another week of eating anything without some form of intense exercise..i just feel so different after a week of eating..uncomfortable, it does not feel safe. 

I proposed starting running and trips to the gym or yoga/body balance classes (which i actually love, despite the obvious burning of calories which is always favourable) but this was not approved and i must have gambled with the poor woman for 20 minutes and she finally said cycling 3 times a week. (no hills, have to be supervised and no road racing haha).. Which is total shit in Anorexia's opinion. But, i am also very lucky as next week i will be starting a day patient programme for every day and obviously will hardly be allowed to walk let alone go cycling! I am pretty sure my psychologist is using this cycling as an incentive for me to stick to eating..so i can get on the treatment course ( you have to have eaten the restoring regular eating meal plan and restoring healthy weight meal plan for 2 weeks prior to admission). She is very particular about me doing any exercise and walking anywhere is almost a no no due to my poor physical state but hey ho...

I thought the exercise would have been more acceptable considering i am meant to be starting the "restoring healthy weight" meal plan today (although that is not going to be happening...i will post an update to make things clearer).

I have to say, this is quite intense writing for 7am on a Friday!

MOVING ON...(lol, i write too much) i think on one hand exercise makes us feel calmer about eating..but only for a certain period of time. I feel as though once i get into the gym i can often actually feel fatter and worse if i cannot use every machine for 3 hours and i find myself comparing myself with other girls. However, i will still be going to do my cycle because obviously i absolutely cannot hack not doing anything and eating such vast amounts.. but i think this time round, i really need to tackle exercise as an issue as it really was the pivotal point of my anorexia this time round in particular. I often feel like i have to do the same thing over and over again and burn an exact number of calories, which becomes very obsessive and very tiring on the mind and i want exercise to be enjoyed (it always was) but i do not want to be stressing about burning 50 calories less one day or not walking home one day.

I REALLY wanted to go to body balance today..but it is not allowed..only supervised cycling :( sigh.. 

Overall, i think that the physical state of the sufferer has to be considered and obviously dependent on the stage of recovery before exercise is reconvened in a sufferer's life. It is really quite personal to the sufferer and it can either drive the anorexia further or possibly help to balance the thoughts about eating.

H x

Restoring Regular Eating Meal Plan- Anorexia Nervosa Recovery

Happy Sunday ed soldiers!

So, I feel slightly in the wrong placing advice for meal plans for anorexia nervous treatment but I am also aware that someone is probably searching for this kind of help of they are unable to get treatment and need something to guide them for the time being. Disclaimer: i am not a dietician, nutritionist, fitness instructor, doctor or psychologist, i have just had the experience of getting various meal plans and this is the one i have been put on for a few days ONLY at the moment. This is merely a guide and will be likely to be suitable for someone who has been on a very low calorie intake for a long period of time, to reduce the risk of refeeding syndrome. However, it should only be followed for a few days and will not restore weight and as it says you may actually lose weight but it aims at restoring regular eating. I will not be posting information on my weight but i will say that i do need to be weight restored.

I have been re admitted into the care of the Michael Rutter centre under the maudsley hospital for anorexia nervosa. I have had two other admissions there, my first being at the age of 13 while I have also been admitted to the priory. I can say great things about Both places but that the maudsley definitely lives up to its outstanding reputation in London. I have been put on the 'restoring healthy eating' meal plan for one week with the sim of basically restoring regular eating and starting the weight restoration process but the weight gained on this meal plan will be hydration. It is a 1500 calorie meal plan which I found terrifying but if giving to a sufferer, it may be reassuring to tell them it is only 1500 calories.
It is based on foods high in calcium to replenish stores and prevent re feeding syndrome (especially if the sufferer has been eating fewer than 500 calories)

After a week on this plan, it will need to be reviewed (if not earlier) and the sufferer will need to go on a meal plan of 2500 calories or more to be fully nourished.

I have attached the images below of the plan (excuse my dads scribbling haha!).
Please ignore the numbers written by the side of the meals

and snacks, this is not correct and was my dad wrongly scribbling... lol.

I hope this may be helpful to some and i will be posting an update on my plan and personally my recovery but this was just a general post with the hope of being helpful to some!
If you have any questions/queries, please feel free to tweet me @HollyDunnX or comment below. 

H x

Balancing thoughts- CBT Techniques for Anorexia Nervosa

So, i have come up with several thoughts that have mounted the last few days...as i have just embarked on a meal plan to "restore regular eating" which is basically the starter meal plan treatment centres put patients with Anorexia Nervosa on, right at the beginning of treatment. (fun? not.) I have been sticking to this plan (near enough) for two days now and i am really starting to feel as though i can no longer manage the grief Anorexia is putting me through which is why i am going to attempt to balance these thoughts and make it through till Wednesday (the day of my appointment and my meal plan will be increased by 1000 calories) sigh. give me strength.

It has been an awfully long time since i last did this, but i hope these examples will inspire someone while helping me too (slightly selfish!). I learn this technique at my last admission to the Maudsley and i remember it helping immensely. Note: you need to have had nutrition for a day at least for this to work...our brains cannot work starved which is why we get these horrible, destructive thoughts. 

Negative thought: 
"if you eat that, the Maudsley will think you are fine and you don't have a problem... Fat!"

Positive thought:
"no. I need to follow this meal plan or i will not be able to embark on the ITP programme to recover and i will not perform as well in my AS levels. I need to eat at least this for a week and then a week on the meal plan the next level up to be able to start the ITP programme. You must trust the Maudsley, you will not get fat from this meal plan, the weight you gain will be mostly from hydration and you may even lose weight after several days because of this. Your body is starved and emaciated and without this nutrition you will die sooner or later. "

I'm rather tired from a day of re-feeding and revising and also seeing my mum (which is always taxing and often makes me feel worse about my  ed) so im going to end this here but i hope this was helpful and you get the idea. Keep going back to these and i'm sure they will come of some use, i already feel better! 

Much love and my bestest wishes to any sufferers, 
heres a bed time smiling selfie hahaaa

H 
x