I feel defeated. A week of attempting to eat the 1500 calorie meal plan to restore regular eating (see earlier posts) and i just feel like i cannot eat this for one more day. I can FEEL the fat i tell you, it is disgusting! This has made me wonder..why..why do i feel like this? It seems ridiculous in one respect. Sigh.I feel like every time i try to recover,i fail miserably. This definitely links in with the whole idea that the longer you have the illness, the harder recovery is. It IS me, its getting hard to separate the two minds. I can hardly hold on to or find the distinct voice that screams to be fed. I feel like i can feel my skin more..if that even makes any sense. Urgh i cannot help but feel disgusted after just one week but when my dad hugs me he still fin
I find it funny how i say that with surprise...like much will have changed in a week on 1500 calories for goodness sake, the weight is mainly hydration as stated in the plan. It just does not FEEL LIKE THAT. Okay, actually i cannot wait to start ITP now (intensive treatment programme at the Maudsley..effectively day patient treatment 5 days a week/not weekends) and i cannot wait to get that support from the team and to see other girls who UNDERSTAND. On previous admissions to other in-patient and day patient clinics, the support network of girls has always been incredible.
I may have mentioned this before, but i am supposed to be starting the 2500 calorie restoring healthy weight meal plan today which i will do a post about if its requested?
However, my dad and i agreed Saturday instead as in the past few days i have been slipping off of the 1500 calories due to the nurses at school not monitoring my eating..quite precisely enough. Clearly, Anorexia is loving that, i get to skip out on a few extra calories.
Sigh, we shall see if i make it through this weekend. I just keep getting thoughts like..oh just start the plan later and then commence on ITP a week after if necessary but i'm not willing to bargain that..they might just say no :( because ill be a negative influence to other girls if i don't show a "want" or "fight" to get better..especially since i've been across the whole board of EDU's and picked up the tricks..i don't think they want those being advertised at meal times to the younger girls. Neither do i.
But do i even want to go on itp yet? ahgr anorexia needs to shut up its like actually doing my head in.
Keep fighting ed soldiers, we are all in this toghether.
H x
Hi there, I just wanted to comment even though this post was made three years ago! I wanted to ask you if you followed through with the ITP at the Maudsley? I'm currently quite "stuck" and feel very similar to how you have described. I have also been in lots of different EDU's and despite desperately wanting to get rid of this monster it seems to have a very strong hold of me. How did you find the programme? Hope to hear from you, Milly x
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